I spent most of my life seeking answers… to life, to my job and career path, how to live and how to love.
What did I expect would happen when I found the answers I was looking for? Did I think I would live in a state of constant enlightenment?
I was rather surprised to find out that once I had learned what I craved to learn, then wrote about it and got it published that my feelings of worry and anxiety had quietly slipped away and instead what had replaced all that worry and anxiety was a sense of openness. Openness?
Openness to what life and the Universe will bring me next. I find it interesting sometimes to look upon myself with a sense of detachment, almost like looking at someone else, and when I do, I see this new feeling of calm.
Click on any image to see it on Fine Art America!
In previous years I was in a couple of churches long-term and I didn’t feel this before… perhaps in part because I was being judged harshly… but also perhaps because I had not yet completed this step of my life.
Though I haven’t yet reached the point of fame, I’m living in a time of contentment and gratitude… not because I have an abundance of money or possessions, but because I’ve passed the time of desperately seeking, and have birthed a difficult child (my Lemonade book!)
This creation will find its way into people’s hearts and be of great help to some people, even shortening the length of suffering for someone else. I don’t mean to say this in any sort of a superior sounding way at all, so if I’ve come across this way then I apologize!
I’ve been doing some thinking about all this, (I know, that’s dangerous!) and I realized the turning point came gradually… It wasn’t a sudden change in my way of thinking, but a slow and gradual process.
Once I started to look back and try to remember what I hoped to feel, I was struck that I’m not quite feeling what I thought I would be, and so that became the basis of this post.
This realization came to me the other day very clearly.
I’m still going through all the normal ups and downs we go through in life, but my perspective is different now.
Part of that may have come about by living through the experience of helping my daughter with the kids when the baby went through her second battle with cancer and having my marriage fall apart while I held a sick baby in my arms in the hospital. Those kinds of things change us on a deep soul level.
(I don’t believe that it’s necessary for many people to go sit at the feet of an awesome Guru, but instead to allow ourselves to be transformed by life’s challenges and trials. To emerge on the other side a deeper and more balanced person is difficult, especially when the emotional pain can rub us raw, but it’s definitely possible and do-able!)
I didn’t realize in what ways I would come to change, but now that I’m living on the other side of the tunnel, life strangely isn’t very different, but my levels of worry and anxiety have greatly diminished.
Interestingly, I needed to remind myself of the lessons I had learned, and to put them into practice. In the beginning, it was more difficult, but as time went on, I needed to give myself less and less of a powerful kick in the butt.
I’m grateful to be living in this state of mind right now, and will be taking careful care of it, to nurture this peace and calm. I know how bad the other side can get, so my advice to myself and to others is to choose to let the past go.
I won’t fear slipping back into it, for fear creates that state of mind. If I do fall back into it, I know I have the tools now to talk my mind out of it.
I’ve learned I have worth and value, that I have a place here, and that I have things to accomplish… as do we all actually!
So… come with me? Follow me through the tunnel to the other side?