I’m going to be very honest and candid right now about how I became disconnected from Divine and Spirit love.
It was a gradual process brought on by very low book sales, having had no income or salary for over a year and a half, and struggling with a plummeting self worth.
I poured my heart and soul into writing On Becoming a Lemonade Maker and the first Art journalling workshop, having a sense deep within my soul that I was compelled to do it, that it was my life mission to do so.
I felt deep love for people, for humanity and for my environment.
I think I just assumed that my books would be welcomed and received wholeheartedly by people close to me and by many more people in the world. My self worth was wrapped up with this far more than I could have ever imagined.
So, when over the course of time there continued to be sluggish sales, scant reviews and low interest, it started to permeate into my soul and spirit as rejection and as proof of my lack of worth.
I’ve never been without an income for this extended period of time, never had my daughter pay my bills for me because of the lack of income.
***I should state here that just over a year and a half ago my daughter took a job in a town an hour and a half away, plus she works ten hour shifts, so she leaves at dawn or before and comes home at 8:30 pm or so. This means that the responsibility of childcare for three children ages nine, nine and four, fall on me. I haven’t been able to work at a job because of this, hence my lack of income.
While this is perhaps noble to sacrifice to help one’s family, it can take a personal toll on a person… It did on me.
I don’t think that it was one particular thing, but everything together which started the unraveling of my self worth and my spirit.
I was getting depressed, feeling lower and lower, internalizing the external issues as proof of my unworthiness as a person.
My older granddaughter is starting to get hormonal and trying to flex her wings as a budding woman, in spite of her age. This is manifesting with her getting very emotional. She cries over everything. The gets angry easily. She has fits of temper and gets mouthy.
In our world of a person’s self worth being so tied into how much we have, how much we earn, she holds me in low regard and displays it through her behavior towards me. This is learned behavior from her former stepmother and one or two other people on that side of her family. She was told that her mom and grandmother are stupid, don’t know anything and don’t have to be listened to.
When she starts her fits with me, I don’t have patience for it. Somewhere along the way I lost my vast reservoir of patience and love.
Don’t get me wrong. I love her very much. I just struggle to have patience with her. I raise my voice sometimes and afterwards I feel even worse about myself.
Before I wrote this book I was just a normal, regular person. I was fairly invisible.
Since writing this book, I feel a pressure to be a much better person, one who is in control of her emotions at all times, someone who has answers.
Is this pressure coming from what people say to me or is it coming from someplace deep inside of me?
No one has said anything to my face. I think it’s internal.
I’ve always believed in walking the walk, and not just talking the talk.
Slipping down this slippery slope of low self worth has had me feeling like a hypocrite, which has been further intensifying my negative feelings about myself.
So what’s changed? How am I able to write about this now?
I received a free eBook from Hay House Publishing, titled “Adventures of the Soul”, by James Van Praagh.
I feel the weight of the negative thoughts about myself lifting. I feel I have the inner strength again to do the work I need to to lift myself up again.
I feel hope returning into my spirit. I feel I’m worth more than just my present physical circumstances, even though my life hasn’t yet changed.
Notice I said “yet”.
I knew this truth before. We’re worth far more than our physical circumstances. We have value which goes well beyond our physical senses and what we logically see.
I had forgotten this truth. I had forgotten that I had worth. I had forgotten that everything in life is temporary!
We’re spirit beings living in physical bodies so we can learn soul lessons that only living a physical life can teach us.
As such, we’re here only for a certain amount of time here on earth. A blink of an eye in millennia. A temporary existence.
Since our existence is temporary, our troubles are too, even though they seem immovable and permanent.
Yet, look back on your life. A year ago. Five years ago. Ten. Twenty.
Has your life always been the way it is now? No? Neither has mine!
Yet, when we’re In the midst of a long term struggle, isn’t it all too easy to beat ourselves up, get down on ourselves, berate our souls that we somehow deserve this?
Does it feel hopeless to see ourselves in a good light, to think that things will change because we deserve something better?
Or do you find yourself in the rabbit hole I was in, thinking that maybe they won’t because we secretly have come to believe that this is all happening because we somehow deserve all the troubles and difficulties?
Well, maybe you don’t think that about yourself, which is good!!
I come from a past of extreme criticism, both from my mother and from a couple churches I was in, so when I start to slide down a depressed slope, my mind still finds ways to bring those negative tapes to life.
I really thought I had worked on myself a LOT! I thought that I had left all those negative thoughts BEHIND me!
Truth is, I’m a flawed human.
I wish I were as awesome as Deepak Chopra or Wayne Dwyer. *sigh*
My self worth evidently has been much more tied into my finances and low book sales than I wanted to acknowledge or admit before.
However, I need to admit it to myself if I’m to be able to move beyond this limited self belief.
I’m looking forward to reading more of this book and seeing how many more “Aha” moments I will have, how much knowledge I will remember that I knew before, and to see where I need to grow!
Even when we think we’ve reached a stage where we think we should know better, we can still stumble, fumble and fall down.
I don’t think these experiences are meant to keep us down. We’re all here to learn and grow.
Sometimes we keep moving forward, and sometimes we don’t. Standing still or moving backwards happens. It’s a fact of life for many of us!
I think the trick is to reconnect with our soul and to understand that we’re loved, we have value, we’re here to learn and we will grow!
Some plants grow quickly and some slowly. If we’re in the second category, we will grow, even if our progress takes more time than it seems to take other people around us!
When I wrote On Becoming a Lemonade Maker, it was a compilation of my life lessons. To me they were profound and difficult to learn. Other people may find those lessons easy and basic. That’s okay, because I’m sure there’s many people like me who struggle to learn stuff other people seem to know intrinsically.
Those lessons were so difficult for me to learn for me that I tried to take very complex ideas and write in a way which would make it easy to understand without talking down to anyone.
As you can see, I’m still learning more about life and myself. I’m learning how deeply our myths can run and the potential devastating effects it can have inside of one’s spirit!
Today I’ve rediscovered the love… The love the universe has for me, the love I had gently nurtured inside of myself for myself, the love of my place in life.
These are hard lessons to learn because there’s so much to unlearn!
The good news is that it can happen quite quickly! The work to maintain it will be there long term, but we can become changed by learning we ARE loved, and we ARE worthy!
Peace to you, and thank you for reading this all! Sending thoughts of LOVE and understanding to you!